Meet at a regularly scheduled time. Everyone in the family needs to find a mutually agreed-upon meeting time: first, so they know they are available and second, so they begin to feel a part of these meetings, even in the planning stage.

Decide on time limits and stick to them. Time limits should generally accommodate the youngest person in the family attending the meeting, and DO NOT GO OVER IT!

Rotate the positions. Some suggested positions include: Chairperson, Recorder, Dessert Maker, and Game Organizer.

***Families are encouraged to rotate these positions. Some parents choose to maintain the chairperson role, or model the first few times before any children take it over. The recorder writes down any decisions and posts them at an agreed upon place. A gratitude circle where everyone goes around the room and expresses something kind or something they are grateful for to the other members is a nice way to start the meetings.

Ensure everyone has a chance to offer their ideas. Before the meeting the chairman can ask each person what they would like to discuss, their issues, etc. The recorder marks these down and the family decides when to address them.

Learning is not the same as reading. We can read something, interesting or not, and be unable to recall it with any detail hours later. That is because we fail to actively engage with the reading. We do not learn, we only read. Our educational system pushes students and teachers to move through designated amounts of material in limited time periods, all the while leaving their brains “disengaged.”

Clearly this impacts our productivity, understanding, and ability to apply what we have read to our daily work, or our learning process. However, true learning impacts application and that is the end result of wisdom – changed behavior, changed application. Imagine if students mastered what they read because they know how to use their brains effectively. When we view our God-given brains as a tool and allow them to do their job, we will see amazing things!

Students must learn to be involved with the content, to understand its significance, to connect to what they are reading and learning with a purpose. When students stop going through the motions, they can apply their time to effective and meaningful learning. This all must start with using our brains more efficiently. By having our brains as an active partner, we will see an increase in our academic standards.

True learning can impact our understanding and application and create more effective citizens – this is what it means to be serious about education. Effecting change, understanding data, and impacting our culture for more than a semester is the natural by-product of brain-based learning! If all educators were allowed to focus on learning, not a checklist of lessons, we would see a change in our future generations.

The first tool I want to share with you is S.M.A.R.T. goal setting. Teach your children the how and why of goal setting. Explain to them the importance of setting goals and writing them out each day. When you get in the habit of handwriting your goals each morning it forces you to really target on what is important to you. S.M.A.R.T. goals are specific, measurable, action orientated, relevant and realistic, and lastly time specific. When this formula is followed the end result is the successful accomplishment of what you desire. Remember, success breeds success and is a very empowering tool. When a child starts to make things happen their world, the process of taking responsibility and ownership for their behavior follows naturally.

The second tool is really a recipe. That’s right, a recipe for happiness, because when you and your child have your needs met – you are happy. We are all aware of the physical needs we have shelter, food, and water but did you realize we also have physiological needs too? Well we do and these need to be met daily.

The first is love, not romantic love, although that is nice, the need for love is fulfilled when we feel a sense of belonging. Often this need is fulfilled through our family. We need people that love us, care for us, and contribute to our sense of belonging. This type of love comes from involvement and a commitment of time and energy. We need to know this kind of love every day.

Power is another of the four needs, this is not power over someone, and that can be difficult for some to comprehend, but it is a sense of competence. Power is knowing that there are things that you do well. You need to feel good about what you do and to have those skills acknowledged every day.

The third need is fun. We know that kids are really good at this, but family members of all ages need to meet this need. Fun involves pleasure, enjoyment, learning, and laughter. Things that refresh and renew our energies are fun. Having taught these concepts at conferences for many years, I have seen that this area is difficult for adults. However, our children need to see us having fun as well. If “being grown up” isn’t fun, why will they want to do it? Look for ways to have fun and be seen having fun so that this need is met for all of the family.

And finally, freedom – Freedom is a big issue for kids. They need to know that they have the ability to choose how they meet their fun, love, and power needs for the day and we all need to remember that we can do anything we need to meet our needs provided it doesn’t prevent another from meeting theirs. One thing I encourage you and your children to do is to run through a mental checklist at the end of each day. Did my needs get met? If not – why not? What can I do differently tomorrow? Again, we are empowering our children to take ownership of their circumstances.

Positive self talk is another tool in the fight against Entitlementitis. One effective method of keeping a handle on our self talk is to help it along with daily affirmations. When we think positive thoughts we are far better equipped on so many levels to deal with anything ‘life’ throws our way. Equip your kids with this great ‘armor of affirmation’ by joining our daily affirmation list. Email me and I will add you to the list so you can receive your positive self talk boost.

Lastly, I encourage you and all the members of your family to start a gratitude journal. This simple exercise can have the largest and most lasting effect on character development. The process is simple, at the end of each day reflect and record five things you are grateful for. The magic that follows a grateful heart is truly your biggest ally in the fight to end the Entitlementitis Epidemic.
]]> http://debbieelder.wordpress.com/2010/01/28/ending-the-entitlementitis/feed/ 0 debbieelder http://debbieelder.wordpress.com/2010/01/21/top-10-parenting-tips-for-2010/ http://debbieelder.wordpress.com/2010/01/21/top-10-parenting-tips-for-2010/#comments Thu, 21 Jan 2010 13:20:00 +0000 debbieelder http://debbieelder.wordpress.com/?p=116 Continue reading →]]>

First, let’s talk about praise. When I use that term, I am referring to “drive-by” comments made without much thought. They are often spoken quickly and without much depth. They lack descriptions or specifics of behavior, and they do not give the child substantive patterns to repeat.

For instance, a comment made that tells a child, “you’re such a good boy” gives no meaning to the child. When a parent uses this type of language as a passing remark, it can be confusing. What if this same child was in trouble that day in school for running in the halls, how can he be a good boy if he was in trouble earlier? Which action should they repeat to be a “good boy?” Do their actions matter if they can still be a “good boy” at home but be in trouble elsewhere?

So praise, as I will use the term, is more of a pat on the back and not necessarily repeatable. It does not train the child, nor give them a picture of the types of actions that will allow them the opportunity to do what is right.

On the other hand, encouragement is very different. Encouragement includes training the child in the skills they will need, disciplining their character, and empowering them to have the skills necessary to repeat the actions. The goal is to have the child say to themselves, “I can do this – I know what is expected.”

An example of this is when I was teaching pre-school. A child was asked to clean up the blocks. My response was something like the following, “Wow, this is terrific. You put all of the red blocks with the red picture, and all of the blue blocks with the blue picture. You did it quickly and quietly without being asked!” This type of encouragement goes beyond praise and gives the child a recipe for success the next time. The child can repeat this action easily.

With praise, as I am using the term, the focus is on the giver of the praise. Their control over the situation is external and behavior is rewarded for completed tasks that are well-done. If children become dependent upon another person’s evaluation, they fail to become autonomous individuals who can evaluate and modify their own behavior.

Encouragement, then, is focusing on the child’s ability to evaluate their progress internally, and allows the parent to recognize effort, improvement, character, etc. Encouragement focuses on the strengths and assets of the child, and on their contributions, teaching intrinsic evaluation.

Positive statements of encouragement are things like, “I like the way you handled that,” or “I appreciate what you did.” This builds in the child a sense of worth and self-accomplishment. It is often most effective when the child has expended a great deal effort in a particular area, or when they do not expect to be rewarded, or perhaps don’t even realize what they have accomplished.

When you speak words of praise, do you do so out of habit? A child can sense when the meaning is not valid, or the statement is made in a perfunctory manner.

Also, is your praise “one size fits all?” Children have different needs in the area of encouragement and their response will vary. Watch for signs of their discomfort and modify your voice so that the child you are speaking to will hear your intention.

Let’s look at some other examples:

 Remember, children will develop the intrinsic ability to evaluate their actions when they have been trained in encouragement. Through encouragement, rather than praise, you will help your child acquire the skills necessary to know how to repeat the pattern of successful behavior

There are specific skills your children are going to need to be productive, successful leaders of their community. With that in mind we need to be willing to use and capture all the teachable moments we are offered. One of the most important things I learned from going through this process with my family is that once the big decisions are made the little ones are very easy. I wanted my daughters to be self-discipline, self-directed, self taught, and self confident leaders. So as things came up in our lives, I was able to refer to my list and ask – ‘if I do ‘this’, will it get me to where I want or not’? If it didn’t lead me to the goals and desires I had for my girls, it was not the route for me! This technique allowed me to stay very grounded and to remember what was important to me so that I could raise my daughters to be the women I wanted them to be.

Keep in mind your role in this process. You have been given a very important responsibility in the molding of your children. What values are important, what are their goals, their desires, and finally what is the plan? Because without a plan you are like a leaf in the wind that gets blown in any and every direction.  Imagine boarding a plane and the pilot addresses you and the other passengers by saying “Welcome, we’re so glad you are travelling with us this afternoon, now just sit back, relax, and enjoy the wonderful in flight service. We are not really sure where we are going to be landing this evening but I know it’s going to be a great flight”. Would you stay on the plane – I know I wouldn’t! So just like flying, parenting requires a destination and a clear plan to arrive at that destination. Because just like a plane that may get off course, it is very easy to self correct when the destination is clear – you don’t have to go back to the start and begin the trip again you simply adjust the route – right? When you are absolutely sure where you want to be you will discover several ways to get there.

Often, as parents, we fail to plan the journey. We are excited about the birth of our children, delighted to have the frenzy of the labor behind us, but we leave the hospital with our precious child only to realize that we have no specific plans for the road ahead. We decide we will take it one day at a time.

Just as we would plan a vacation, though, we must have a plan for parenting. We need to know the destination, the route, and the tools necessary to arrive there.

 So, what is your vision? Do you have one? Who do you want walking out the door when they reach 18? What is your plan to get there? What tools will you need?

 My vision includes raising children who become the leaders of tomorrow so that someone will be there to take care of me when I am old! I am raising citizens who will be self-confident, well-rounded, thinkers, self-taught, self-disciplined, and successful. If I evaluate life’s scenarios along the way in terms of will it help me to enforce my vision for my children, then I can capture those teachable moments to train for these goals.

 For instance, when my youngest daughter was nine, she played soccer. She was trying to get to a soccer game, and I said, “Well, you’re going to need to call and get a ride, because I can’t be in two places at once, and I have to get your sister somewhere else.” Through a series of back-and-forth prompting and scripting, I taught her how to arrange a car pool. My husband said to me, “Deb, come on, she’s only nine.” I replied, “But Keith, I already know how to arrange a car pool. I already have that skill. Now it’s her turn. She needs to learn these skills.”

Taking this opportunity to teach her a new skill was an opportunity that I did not want to miss. The next time something came along like this, she had the confidence to try this problem-solving skill again. She was a little hesitant, but the more that she took on this self-directed behavior, the easier it became for her.

The concept of self-confidence has been widely misused in our society today. Self-confidence and self-esteem have been presented as measures of what others think of us. I believe this is wrong. True self-confidence comes from those actions that we accomplish, those things in which we are successful by our own standards.

Another trait of the leaders of tomorrow is that they are well-rounded. By well-rounded, I mean children who are learning the habits of being empathetic and appreciative. These are not natural skills. They must be taught. Why would we think that a child would naturally know how to be appreciative? Many parents tend to use sarcasm here to teach this point, but that usually doesn’t work. For instance, have you ever heard a parent say, “You’re welcome!” sarcastically when the goal is to have the child say, “Thank you?” What if as parents we were to take those moments to teach children, “This is the time to say Thank you,” when you drop them at their weekly piano lesson or have a moment to teach that trait.

Children need to be trained to think, to use their minds. Learning is a life-long process and we must teach them how to engage their brains to consider information carefully, weigh its merits, compare and contrast it to other information, to look for relevance and screen for validity. Since children are naturally curious, use these moments to help them begin to evaluate information, not to just repeat it back to you. My goal is to have children that will be able to think and speak for themselves because as they leave my home, I will not be able to do that for them.

This leads very naturally to the fact that I want my children to be self-taught. They must take ownership of their own learning along the way. A two-year old may not be ready for all of this, but even they need to understand and learn simple things.

Another trait that this will require is teaching self-discipline. They must learn to manage their time. They will need to know that there will be things in life that are hard to do, and that is okay. We all have hard things to do. Without self-discipline, we push those tasks away until it is too late or there is too little time to manage the responsibilities before us. However, by being self-disciplined, we manage the skills necessary to do the work.

Now, let’s use some of that self-discipline today to formulate your parenting plan.

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 I believe that part of our job as parents is to allow our children to experience as many life lessons with us as possible.  Let me explain what I mean. 

 Take for example the story of my friend whose son had acquired a great deal of money from birthdays and a summer job.  He wanted to spend that money in November on a popular computer game system which, had he waited, would probably have been updated and possibly under his tree at Christmas.  Mom’s idea was to tell him that under no such circumstances could he spend that money so foolishly.

I countered with: “So how would you respond if your boss handed you your pay check and said, ‘And don’t be buying any shoes this weekend. That is not what this money is for.’”

She answered, “But I am an adult.”

“And when are you going to let him learn how to be one?” I asked.

 She did relent after a very long discussion to spread out her safety net and let him learn this life lesson with her.  As I predicted, by February he came to her and shared his disappointment in his decision. The game was not what he had expected, and now he wished he had that money for something else.

 Not only was she not the bad guy, he learned a valuable lesson.  Allowing him to stub his toe on this decision probably prevented a broken leg in the future.  His ‘broken leg’ might have looked like a house he could not afford that she would now be expected to make the mortgage payments on, or a car he could not insure.

Your children need love and not necessarily the romantic type of love. Often this need is fulfilled through family. They need people who love them, care for them, and contribute to their sense of belonging. This type of love comes from involvement and a commitment of time and energy. They need this love every day.

They also need power. This is not power over someone. Power is knowing that there are things that you do well. Your children need to feel good about what they do and to have those skills acknowledged every day. Sometimes we help provide this by allowing our children to have opportunities to reinforce their skills, to do things that they are good at to achieve that sense of power.

The third need is fun. We know that kids are really good at this, but family members of all ages need this. Fun involves pleasure, enjoyment, learning, and laughter. Things that refresh and renew our energies are fun. Having taught these concepts at conferences for many years, I have seen that this area is difficult for adults. However, our children need to see us having fun as well. If “growing up” isn’t fun, why will they want to do it? Look for ways to have fun and be seen having fun so that this need is met for all the family.

And finally, they need freedom. Freedom is a big issue for kids. They need to know that they have the ability to choose how they meet their fun, love, and power needs for the day. They need to learn how to make decisions and find the freedom to be decisive, two different things.

I work out with my neighbor, and sometimes on a really good day, I can meet all four of my needs before 6:30 in the morning. My neighbor, Teresa, is my friend. So, when I go over there in the morning, I get the need for love fulfilled. I can also meet my need for power on some days, because Teresa is a orthodontist, and she works with teenagers. Sometimes teenagers don’t brush when they have braces, or mess with their rubber bands, etc. So, we will brainstorm during our work out about how to behaviorally help them through that, enabling me to be the expert on behavioral issues. We always have fun every morning when we work out. I mean, would you get up that early if you couldn’t have a little fun? In addition this hour is very important to me; it is my little piece of freedom every day. So, on a lucky day, all four of my basic needs are met before 6 a.m.

One thing I urge you to do and to teach your children to do is to run a mental checklist at the end of each day. Did my needs get met?  If not, why not?  What can I do differently tomorrow?

 I mentioned physical needs at the beginning of this blog post. Our bodies, when treated well, offer an immense amount of information about how we are feeling and thinking.

Children need to be aware and articulate their needs and their abilities to meet these needs without infringing upon anyone else’s abilities to meet their needs. To do this they must be trained to think about the signals they are getting from their body, consider the actions they can take, and then act.

The languages include the following:
1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch

Let’s quickly review the essence of each of these before moving on. A person whose Love Language is words of affirmation needs from you validation of worth through your comments. These people will work for nothing if you just tell them what a great job they are doing!

Quality time is pretty self-explanatory; these people need time with you to feel your love. A person whose love language is gifts will hear love when presented with tangible items; this person loves “things.” An act of service person hears their language spoken when another does something for them.

My husband is an acts of service person. I discovered this shortly after reading Mr. Chapman’s book. Keith will clean the garage and tell me, or empty the dishwasher and announce, “The dishes are put away!” I quickly realized that what he is really saying is, “I clean the garage because I love you.” I just tag onto his declarations, ‘because I love you’ and it all makes sense. Since learning this, I now make the effort to speak ‘his language’; I will do things like make his lunch before he heads into work. This simple task speaks loud and clear to him – he is loved!

The last language is physical touch; this is not to be confused with romantic touch. The physical touch person is exemplified for the person who feels love through a hug or a pat on the back.
Take a minute to think about your love language and then some time to discover the languages your family members speak. This is a great tool that can enhance communication and allow you to connect readily with those most important to you.